1.
Always have the initial meeting with someone in
a public place with an easy get-out clause. That’s just common sense of course,
even just for dating. I like making first dates happen on weekday evenings,
because it’s implicit that you both have to go home for your jobs.
2.
Have at least one Kink-angel. Like a trip-angel,
for those who are familiar with the term; this is a trustworthy, down-to-earth
friend who watches out for you and checks that you come back alive/sane from
whatever you get into. Whenever I’m doing something new I always give details
of where I’m going, who I’m meeting and when to expect to hear from me again to
a good friend. Plus a “chain of command” for who to contact if things do seem
to have gone wrong. I’m totally open about doing this with the person I’m
meeting – it can only help the situation. If they’re sound and respectful
themselves, they’ll only think better of you for being sensible. If they aren’t
so trustworthy, you’ll find out sooner from their reaction and at the very
least they’ll know you have backup should they not respect your boundaries.
3.
Take recommendations and advice from people you
trust. I’ve been very lucky in that respect – good people have put me in touch
with more good people, and the delightful domino effect continues. Listen to them, what they say about
people, places and activities, and you’ll probably find at some point that you’re
glad you did.
4.
Pay attention to your instincts. By this, I
don’t mean throw rationality to the wind if that dark alley with a bunch of
crack dealers at the end of it “just feels safe”. But listen to how people make
you feel, and if something feels off, or they annoy you or unnerve you for some
reason you can’t put your finger on, pass them by. Your instincts are just your
subconscious mind picking up on patterns and cues that you might not be able to
consciously recognise. I often find myself having gut reactions to people and
then seeing them borne out later on. Likewise, through paying attention to the
vibes I get, I’ve managed to find a lot of really lovely people. Kink is about
people when you come down to it – it’s not some wild solo escapade, so if you
get the people right, the rest starts falling into place.
5.
Be clear about what you want and (more
importantly) don’t want, when you go into a situation – first with yourself and
also with others. This is so much more important than having a “safeword”,
although that can play a part in it. As I said before, kink isn’t a solo
exploit, it’s about people, and the only way to get the best out of people is
to communicate with them. I’m still working on this. I should have been clearer
about my boundaries before I was tied up onstage, for example, although I had
at least been crystal clear about my boundaries as far as sexual contact went.
I was ok because all of the other golden rules were in place, but still. I was
swollen and bruised for three weeks, which I bore with humour but hadn’t really
signed up for.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what you want. If
you aren’t sure, take the time to make a 'yes, maybe, probably not, never' list
so you at least have something in mind to start from. The rest is about
experimentation in safe hands, and communication as you go along.
Warning: I’m about to have a rant about safewords.
This could be a whole separate blog post, but I’ll try to condense my opinion
in order not to clog up Miss Frank’s blog with diatribes about kink politics.
Just so we’re on the same page, a safeword is a completely out-of-context word
or phrase like 'pineapple', which tells the other person to stop, so you can
play in a way that allows you to be able to yell 'No, stop, ouch!' but not
create concern. In principle, this is fine. In fact, it’s often great to have
one. BUT:
-
It’s just a stopgap to save you in the face of
poor communication, it doesn’t replace the communication and connection that
should already be there.
-
Some people think that once they have a
safeword, anything goes and it’s all fine. This isn’t a great way to look at
it. You should always have an understanding of what everyone wants from the
situation first. A safeword only saves you from extreme mistakes (maybe). It
doesn’t save you from uncomfortable, unsatisfying or disconcerting play. There
are plenty of types of play that need other kinds of communication much more
than a safeword.
-
It can also lead people to think that because
they have a safeword set up, they’re not allowed to say 'Errr… that’s not quite
right for me.' – in other words they just have to shut up and take it, unless
it’s utterly unbearable.
-
From the sub’s position, a way that safewords
can 'malfunction' is the fact that when you’re deep 'in scene' (during intense
play), it’s possible to freeze up and feel unable to use the safeword. This
could be because you’re embarrassed, you don’t want to ruin the moment, it
seems too 'dramatic', you’re afraid everything’ll stop abruptly if you do and
you’re enjoying 95% of it, or you’re just too damn overwhelmed and swept up in
the moment to think straight.
-
From the dom’s perspective, a dysfunctional
possibility created by safewords is beginning to feel that because there is a
safeword set up, there’s no need to check on their sub throughout play and
ensure they’re ok – the responsibility is all with the sub, who must use the
safeword if the dom(me) goes too far. For all the above reasons, this is not a
good attitude. It’s the responsibility of everyone involved to care for each
others’ wellbeing and enjoyment throughout, and keep communicating (not
necessarily verbally, by any means) about how it’s feeling.
So by all means
have a safeword, but don’t imagine it’s some cover-all magic formula for safe, satisfying play. It’s simply a fall-back position, a safety net, and a tool.
Enough
ranting. If even one person reads this and realises that whatever “50 Shades of
Wank” “taught” them is crap, well, I’m a happy lady.
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